A Loner Speaks

May 16th, 2009 Bella Posted in Inner Thoughts |

I am a self titled loner.

At any given time, I can be found somewhere by myself either with a book in my hand, or just alone with my thoughts (and Twitter :) ). As much as I enjoy this alone time, I’m starting to miss having friends to spend time with. I think I’m a fun person to hang out with, but I just don’t make friends easily. I like to be by myself. I generally don’t trust people enough to let them in, and it’s caused me to build this cocoon around myself that I’m just not happy with anymore.

I probably have two people in my life who I consider my friends. I have cousins that I cut with also, but I’m talking non-relatives here. There’s Kam, my BFF, and Charnelle. Both of these lovely people live far away in other states. When I’m having a bad day or going through something really personal, these are the people I turn to for advice and an open ear. I love them both immensely.

However, in my own city, I have zero friends. That’s right, zero. I have a couple associates, who I call sporadically and talk about basic ish with, possibly hang out with every now and then, but no friends. it’s starting to really bother me. It wasn’t always this way. I used to have a gang of friends, heck, Kam and Char both used to live here. My main cut buddy used to be a girl I’ll call PStar.

PStar and I met ten years ago while I was in hair school the first time. We both transferred from day to night classes at the same time, and that was kind of our bonding issue. We also lived in the same neighborhood. After a short while, we were inseparable friends. We did each other’s hair, and even wound up working in the same salon. We did everything together! Shopping, going out, family gatherings, all that ish. She had the spare key to my first apartment. We were best friends. Eventually we went through something stupid and stopped talking to each other. I guess all that time together was too much! I miss the friendship that we had.

Where am I going with this? I miss having a best friend in my town, shucks, in my neighborhood. I’m starting to think I spend too much time alone. Even though I go out with my cousins sometimes and I love them, it’s not the same as a friend. When I want to go makeup shopping or something girly like that I have to do it myself because Moody just isn’t interested AT ALL.

I think I’ve possibly gotten too old to make new friends or something. I wouldn’t even know how to meet any. I guess I just have to get used to things as they are, and enjoy my Twitter friends..LOL

This was just on my mind today, so I decided to share.

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9 Responses to “A Loner Speaks”

  1. LaurynX Says:
    May 16th, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    I feel you on this. I haven’t been very successful in making
    friends in college, and it’s getting to me. I want to make
    some gay friends (offline) but don’t know where to start. I
    suppose I should just get out and do something I like to do.
    Meeting new ppl usually happens when we least expect.

    [Reply]

    Bella Reply:
    May 17th, 2009 at 1:01 am

    You’re right about that. You never know when you’re going to meet someone you connect with. I just have to hope for the best..

    [Reply]

  2. Nikki Says:
    May 16th, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    What about your friend Sarah? I heard yall was cool

    [Reply]

    Bella Reply:
    May 17th, 2009 at 1:01 am

    She is cool, but she’s more like family :)

    [Reply]

  3. AJtheDJ Says:
    May 16th, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    I’m not even going to lie, I feel the same way. To make bad matters worse, I wasn’t born here, and any family I had here went back home to Trinidad & Tobago. My only network of friends are the people I was in the military with…and they’re all over the world. As far as gay friends, I am looking for a certain caliber, because trust me as a community it’s hard to find someone who won’t try to either f*&^ you or your other half…just alot of grimey stuff. But you’re not alone. It’s kinda hard being gay…it’s like you have to distance yourself sometimes when you don’t want to because you just don’t know who will accept you.

    [Reply]

    Bella Reply:
    May 17th, 2009 at 1:02 am

    Who are you telling? Each time I try to make friends with another femme, they take it as me coming on to them or something. It’s a difficult thing..

    [Reply]

  4. Alix Says:
    May 18th, 2009 at 12:07 am

    I can relate to this too. I’m living in a city that feels like a brand new city to me, even though this is where I grew up. The only people I really know here are my family. All of the people I would run the streets with are in ATL. Not only do I get lonely, there are times when I feel out of touch…

    [Reply]

  5. Tami Says:
    May 27th, 2009 at 11:37 am

    i feel you Bella. my issue is that i dont have many gay friends.
    i want more gay friends…heck, at this point, i dont care where they
    are…can’t be choosey right now! lol

    [Reply]

  6. CJ Says:
    June 24th, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    I totally understand! Being a black femme can be isolating and lonely sometimes. I am not very good at making friends myself, kinda shy and 29 its starting to get old! Dont know where to begin!

    [Reply]

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